Sexually-based Jokes

All I got for Christmas was a sweater.... I would have preferred a screamer or a moaner.

Q: Why don't women wear dresses in the winter?
A: Chapped lips.

Q: What sexual position do you use to have an ugly baby?
A: Ask your parents.

Did you hear the one about the penile enlargement surgeon who hung himself?

Have you heard the one about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he fired them.

Mother-Daughter Talk
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting college."Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend.""I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience.""Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but I was kind of sore for the rest."


Men, Women, Money
A guy comes home at 3 o'clock in the morning. He has obviously had more than his share of alcohol. His wife meets him at the front door and the following conversation ensues:
"Where in hell have you been!?"
"Hey, mama, I was just out having a good time!"
"Well, how much money did you spend!?"
"Ninety dollars."
"WHAT!? Ninety Dollars! You asshole, do you know how long ninety dollars would last me!?" "Hmmmm well....ya don't drink...ya don't smoke...ya got yer own pussy .... probably forever!"


Quitting
A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"
Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear. Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"


Loud Climax
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor! Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what problem is?"
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."


Cheap Sex
A man goes into a whore house and asks how much for a whore.
The madam says " 500 for a good one, 250 for one that's alright and there's a freebee downstairs."
The guy says," I'll take the freebee since I don't have any money." So he goes down stairs and starts having sex with her. All of a sudden stuff starts coming out of her ears and mouth.
After he's done he goes to the madam and tells her that there's stuff coming out the girl's ears. The madam yells out, "Hey Bill the dead one downstairs is full."


This very old guy, older than 90, whips back the covers one morning with a big hard on. "What do you think about this, Honey?" he says to his wife.....She says "Now that you have the wrinkles out of it, why don't you wash it?"
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