Star Trek Jokes

Top 10 Signs that You Might Be a Trekki

10. You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9. You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
8. You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
7. Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
6. You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
5. Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk. 4. You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
3. You have no life.
2. You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1. You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.

Top 10 Bumper Stickers for the U.S.S. Enterprise

10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
2. "We brake for cubes!"
1. "Wesley On Board!"


Top 16 Uses for Data's Detached Head

16. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
15. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
14. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
13. Prop open doors for maintenance crews
12. Lawn decoration in Arboretum
11. Footstool for Captain's chair
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
9. Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank
8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
6. Two words: tether ball
5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time
1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy

Signs that Star Trek has Taken Over Your Life

1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.
3. Able to use "variable phase invertor" in a sentence without excessive thought first
4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
5. Have figured out the stardate system
6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory"
10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
14. Understanding Klingon
15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics
18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP
19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers

Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise

9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf A nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self- destruct sequence 3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can
1. Tribble sex!