Sexual Jokes 3

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One for One

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast.’ Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!”
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unpunished.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.
“Honey”, he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?”
She replied with a snicker. “It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!!!!!!”


Magic Mirror

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!


Bigger Problem

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.
The doctor tells him, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself."
So he went out and bought a starter pistol. Luckily, when he got home his wife was already naked in bed, ready for him, so they got in the 69 position and started in. Soon he felt the urge to shoot his load, so he fired the pistol.
The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbour came out of the closet naked with his hands up."


Busy Reading

A man & his wife are in bed one night. The wife wants a bit of action from her husband, but he doesn't even acknowledge that she's there, he just continues reading a book. She keeps waiting & waiting for him to make his first move, but he doesn't, so she gets disqusted & goes to sleep. 10 minutes later, she feels his fingers in her vagina, and says, "Oh Fred! You finally want me?"
He replies, "nah, I'm just wetting my fingers to turn the page"
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