Aussie Humor

Ups, then a Down
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says: "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?" The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your time." The mother says, "Why is that, dear?"The kid says, "Because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"


One for the Team
Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his ute when he sees his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself off the bridge into the water far below.Bruce slams on the brakes & shouts "G'day Sheila! What the hell do you think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says "G'day Bruce - You got me pregnant & so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this and says "Sheila, not only are you a great root, but you're a real sport."


3 Morticians
There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats. The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine.Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!" The next guy says, "oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall 15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him ready for an open casket funeral in two days!!!" The third guy sulks in the corner, "man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist who landed on the empire state building. it took me four days just to get the grin off her face."


Mean Cat
A lion in the zoo sits there licking it's hole.A visitor says, "That doesn't look very vicious to me.""Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed a Kiwi, pulled him through the fence and ate him all up.""Is that right?" says the visitor, "he seems pretty casual, why is he licking his arse?" And the zoo keeper says, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out of his mouth!"


My Shell
A man went to a Costume Party with nothing but a young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked."I'm a snail." The man replied. "What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?""You've got it wrong, mate," the fellow replied. "That's Michelle".
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