Heaven, Hell, and Religious Jokes

“How did I get here?”

"How did I get here?" A second grader asks his mother.
She replies, "God sent you."
Child: “Did God send you, too?"
Mother: "Yes, Dear."
Child: "What about Grandma and Grandpa?"
Mother: “God also sent them."
Child: "Did he send their parents, too?"
Mother: "Yes, Dear, He did."
Child: "So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."


The Pearly Gates

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter sees a street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter runs to God and says, "God, there ia an evil, thieving street gang at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?"
God replies, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."
St. Peter goes back to carry out the order. All of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"
"Who, the New Yorkers?" Asks God.
"No, the Pearly Gates."


How to get into Heaven

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"


Three Nuns

Nun 1: “I was cleaning the father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? a bunch of pornographic magazines"
Nun 2: "Oh my! what did you do?"
Nun 1: "well, I threw them in the trash, of course."
Nun 2: “I can top that. I was in father’s room putting away the laundry and found a box of condoms"
Nun1 and 3: "oh dear my! what did you do?"
Nun2: "I poked holes in all of them.”
Nun 3: "oh s***!!!"


Nun Jokes

Q: What does a Hindu wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.

Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

Q: What is the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A: A Tran-sister.