Celebrity Quotes 1

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
--A. Whitney Brown

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
--Larry Miller

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"
--Jake Johansen

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
--Bruce Baum

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
--Jay Leno

"According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog."
--Jay Leno

"Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn’t know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!"
--Jay Leno

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin
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