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Crabs
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs. The flight attendant took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs, and proceeded to rant on and on about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
She was really annoyed by his behaviour so shortly before landing in New York she announced loudly over the intercom, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”
Of course, not one hand went up; so she took them home and ate them herself.
She Can't Put on my Pants, She's Wearing Them!
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness which he read on the way home; he had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
Ready for the Hunt
A couple is hunting in the woods; suddenly, the man falls to the ground. The wife examines him; his eyes are rolled back in his head and he doesn't seem to be breathing.
The wife whips out her cell phone and calls emergency services.
"My husband is dead! What can I do?" She gasps into the phone.
The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The woman comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"
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Top ten things not to say on your Wedding Anniversary
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10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay...How about we go to Pizza Hut?
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
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10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay...How about we go to Pizza Hut?
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
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